【Sex On Phone】

People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive title is Sex On Phonea true honor. It has been bestowed on such Hollywood hunks as Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, and Matthew McConaughey. All beautiful men, in their own right.

Well this year, due to a scheduling error and work overload, my editor at Peoplemagazine let me pick this year’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Little did she know, I am unreasonably, perplexingly obsessed with country singer Blake Shelton.

SEE ALSO: Crap, I forgot to get furious about the Starbucks holiday cup this year Bask in the magnetic allure of one Blake Shelton Credit: WireImage; getty images

Ever since I first laid eyes on Blake Shelton as one of the celebrity judges on The Voice, I was completely obsessed. It is something I can’t explain. My eyes drifted right past certified hotties Adam Levine and Usher, and went straight to Blake Shelton. And that’s where they stayed. There was something so alluring about his smile.

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I watched The Voiceevery week, just for him. Every time he was on screen I would scream as loud as I could. I would squeal like a tiny rodent so loudly that on more than one occasion, police would show up at my apartment under the concern that I was harming an animal.

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I have lost friends because of this. Some of my own family members no longer even engage me because every conversation always leads back to Blake Shelton. He occupies my mind every second of every day. This is how I am, and this is how I live.

So when my editor, too busy and too behind on her schedule to take on the task of naming the Sexiest Man Alive, looked at me and said, “Can you do it? And please don't just immediately make it Blake Shelton, I know you're freaking obs-" I was already out the door and on my way to the photo department.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

It's time to accept the fact that Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive. I also think that blue jeans from 2010 with the thighs faded out are the best clothes, milk mixed with warm water is the best liquid, and white rice with a side of bread is the best meal. On all of these things I am 100% certain that I am objectively correct.

I have seven Blake Shelton cardboard cut outs in my bedroom alone. I own every one of his albums on vinyl and listen to them on a constant, incessant loop. There is a room in my apartment devoted completely to Blake Shelton memorabilia that I call my “Blake Shelter.” Sure, it’s not clever, and maybe it doesn’t completely make sense. But neither does my obsession.

You may think there are sexier men that deserve this title. Jason Momoa, Kit Harrington, Chadwick Boseman. All great choices for People’s Sexiest Man Alive. But none of them top Blake Shelton to me. Blake “Blue Eyes” Shelton. Blake "Has Hair and A Beard" Shelton. Blake "Is at The Very Least A Celebrity to Some" Shelton. A pure essence of sexiness.

To me, Blake is not only Sexiest Man Alive, he is the Sexiest Man To Ever Live.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

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