【eroticic stories】

Sentient moldy marshmallow Mike Huckabee is eroticic storiesone of the worst things about Twitter, a free website where bots and angry men yell at each other for hours on end.

Yet he still manages to find new depths.

SEE ALSO: Twitter comedian Mike Huckabee burns CNN with 100% flawless joke

Such was the case on Tuesday when, in an attempt at what I assume is humor, the former Arkansas governor and shitty Skynyrd cover band musician managed to type and send the following tweet.

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

I have read this no less than 20 times and still don't get it.

So why don't we take a step back, slow things down, and break it down, piece by piece.

"Had a colonoscopy today."

On the one hand, this is good. Preventative health care is an important part of anyone's regiment, especially in later years.

On the other hand, a colonoscopy includes the insertion of a camera through one's anus to examine the lower bowels for irregularities, including signs of cancer, so, GTFO WITH THIS, MIKE, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS IMAGE IN MY HEAD BECAUSE NO AMOUNT OF CHLORINE POURED INTO MY SKULL WILL REMOVE IT.

"My doctor was actually Russian."

It's true, sometimes people born in Russia are doct- oh, wait. Oh no. He's going to make a joke about the Russian investigation, isn't he? Oh no. Oh no no no.

Via Giphy

"Now THAT is what I call RUSSIAN MEDDLING!"

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Now THAT is what I call a DAD JOKE that should be taken behind the barn, doused in kerosene, lit on fire, and shot in to space. And for the love of all that is good and pure, this is not the imagery to double-down on. It's just gross and makes me want to walk through fire just to burn everything else away.

Via Giphy

And what does your Russian doctor think of this? Does he find this funny? Is he Yakov Smirnoff? Does he find your belittling of the job he's paid to do HILARIOUS?

Besides, there's nothing as funny as talking about potentially treasonous behavior and the hijacking of one of our most sacred democratic institutions -- a free and open election -- and reducing it to "YUK YUK OMG BUTTS."

Grow up.

"They put me to sleep w/ same stuff Michael Jackon used."

First of all, it's "Jackson."

Second of all, did he... Dear, God, did he just mock the drug use that led to the death of the KING OF POP?

Say what you will about Jackson's complicated legacy but to mock this sort of drug abuse, particularly when the country is in the throes of an opioid epidemic, and to mock the death of ANYONE, let alone one of the most beloved pop figures of all time (complicated legacy or no), is heinous.

"When I woke up, I MOON-walked right out of the hospital!"

Oh my God just... what? Why?!

So we have a Jackson pun paired with another "LOL HEH HEH BUTTS" joke for some kind of awful Frankenstein pun. If it weren't so stupid, it'd be impressive.

To say "Mike Huckabee mocked the death of Michael Jackson and the Russia investigation in a tweet about his colonoscopy" is a thing in 2018 is to admit that we've already lost this world and don't deserve it anymore. Let's just hand it over to the dogs.

But before we do, let's take Huckabee's Twitter account, run it through a woodchipper like Steve Buscemi in Fargo, burn all of the pieces and then collect the ashes and shoot them straight into the sun.

Only then may we rest in peace.

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