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What do gay sex video xxxyou get when you combine an '80s TV show with a lot of hot people and dick jokes? Baywatch, and apparently not a winning formula.

The sort-of reboot of the David Hasselhoff/Pamela Anderson-starrer releases in theaters Friday, and is currently rocking a whopping nine percenton Rotten Tomatoes.

Here's what critics are saying about Baywatch.

SEE ALSO: A dead man's penis is all anyone can remember from the new 'Baywatch' footage

Cheesy, eye-rolling humor

Matt Goldberg, Collider:

Unfortunately, the comedy just isn’t that good. There’s the occasional funny joke here and there, but more often than not, it goes for the easiest gag it can grab and then pummels it into the ground. For example, early in the movie, Ronnie, aroused by CJ, gets an erection. He tried to hide it by falling face down in a deck chair, and then his penis gets stuck in between the slats. Then Mitch comes over to try and help him out. Imagine a version of the classic scene in There’s Something about Marywhere Ben Stiller gets his penis stuck in his zipper except it’s in no way funny, and you have idea of the level Baywatchis operating at.

Frank Scheck, The Hollywood Reporter:

That the film’s guiding creative ethos was apparently to push the envelope and go for an “R” rating becomes painfully clear. The endless profusion of F-bombs seems to indicate that the screenwriters must have thought they would be paid per use. The raunchy humor extends to gay panic gags strangely similar to the ones found in the recent, similarly misbegotten CHIPS; Baywatchstrains for a vulgarity that never comes remotely close to being funny. Unless, that is, you find the idea of Zac Efron manipulating a dead man’s genitals hysterical.

A paper-thin plot

Owen Glieberman, Variety:

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“Baywatch,” as a series, now looks jaw-droppingly goofy and harmless (actually, it did then too), and the movie would have been smart to satirize the show’s innocuous underworld drama and cheeseball male gaze, playing up the dated absurdity of it all. But no: The film’s director, Seth Gordon (“Identity Thief”), and its screenwriters, Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, have glommed “Baywatch” onto the theme of the moment: namely, that a bunch of good-looking SoCal lifeguards, devoted to keeping their beach a safe cool magical place, are just like — wait for it! — a family.

Matt Goldberg, Collider:

Baywatch, on the other hand, is a comedy in search of an ideology...If the story had focused solely on bringing up the entire team or had just been a buddy film between either Mitch and Brody or even Mitch and Ronnie, it could have been on to something, but the script’s lack of focus drains the energy from all the relationships to the point where the only character who has any semblance of an arc is Brody.

Steve Rose, The Guardian:

Previous movies based on retro TV shows have taught us, the only way to repackage such brand-name yet dated material is with heavy measures of irony and self-satire...This lacklustre comedy heads off in that direction but it doesn’t have the wit or the stamina to stay afloat. By about halfway in, the gags dry up and the story sinks like an overweight tourist who took a dip too early after the all-you-can-eat surf’n’turf buffet.

A beautiful cast who deserve better

Owen Glieberman, Variety:

[Johnson and Efron's] caustic interplay gives the film a sparky buzz of tension. Dwayne Johnson can seem like Tony Robbins playing Superman, but he never phones in a line. His delivery cracks like a whip, so that each time he calls Matt by the name of another boy band, the joke stays fresh.

Frank Scheck, The Hollywood Reporter:

Johnson and Efron possess impressive muscles, but the performers have never done as much heavy lifting as they do here. And to their credit, they succeed to some degree. Johnson employs his big toothy grin, effortless charm and surprising comic gifts to make the film almost watchable. And Efron — who has come to rely on his obnoxious frat-boy shtick far too often — takes off his shirt…a lot.

Steve Rose, The Guardian:

Overshadowed by this alpha-male chest-off, the women are given thankless, almost interchangeable roles as love interests and swimsuit models. Sports Illustrated regular Kelly Rohrbach plays the Pamela Anderson character, though “character” is a generous description. The swimwear couture hasn’t moved on since the 90s, either: cut so high at the hip you wonder if there was a lycra shortage; unzipped at the front to show maximum cleavage. Even Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra, the underused villain of the piece, looks like she was contractually obliged to show as much flesh as permissible.

Matt Goldberg, Collider:

The real standout is Chopra. I’ve never seen her TV series Quantico, but she owns the film every second she’s on screen. Victoria isn’t a particularly memorable villain on the page, but Chopra is commanding, and when she gets called an aspiring Bond villain, it made me want her to be the villain in the next Bond movie. If there’s one good thing that can come from the wreckage of this movie, it’s for Chopra’s career in Hollywood films to take off.

At least the movie saved something.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

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